Potty Training:
What to do when traditional styles dont work.
Many parents struggle through a tough time in every child's life where they must learn to potty train. Traditional methods of potty training don't always work though. Here are some alternative modern methods to help prod the uncooperative potty trainee along.
1. First, read the child the wonderful story of Terry, to get them in the mood to use the toilet. Nothing works better than an inspiring story.
2. If the story alone does not persuade your child to begin using the toilet, try making fun of your child. Insult them unmercifully. The following methods are extremely handy:
- Tell your child how stupid they are for using diapers still.
- Every time your child has an accident in their pants, laugh at them. Point at them and laugh your head off, and make sure everyone within a 20 foot radius notices their wetness and laughs at them too.
- Make sure your child realizes that the rest of the world uses the toilet and they don't belong unless they do too.
- Tell your child openly that you dont love them anymore unless they start using the bathroom correctly.
- Take time to point out any bad points about the child as well: "Gosh, Oliver, you sure are ugly, like your mother. Too bad I cant put a bag over your face. By the way, we are giving you up for adoption if you dont become potty trained within two hours." or "Man, you suck, Susie, its so gay that you have leukemia, and also wont use the toilet the right way."
3. Offer your child drugs. Or, if your child doesnt like drugs yet, M&Ms. Tell them that every time they go potty correctly, they will get their reward. If the child craps their pants, and are using the M&Ms route, throw each M&M separately at their face for punishment. If you chose the drugs route, and your child has an accident, either make them lay on the floor and poop on their face, or see #4.
4. Beat your child. This is the biggest winner, right here. It doesnt matter if your child is 18 months old, or 18 years old, beat the tar out of them. 2x4s, paddles, high heels, sticks, tennis rackets. Choose your weapon and punish that smelly little butt for making you change its diapers. They'll learn their lesson.
5. Tired of changing diapers? Simply administer corks to your child. Lay them down over your knees, spank the fudge out of them, and then spread their cheeks and shove a cork in. Any of these should fit well in an average sized child.
For a larger child, try one like these with a larger diameter.
Eventually, your child will explode, and then they'll be sorry for crapping in the wrong place.
6. Try super gluing your child to the toilet. If your child cant get off the toilet, they will never poop their pants again! Move the TV (instant babysitter) into the bathroom, and you're good to go. WARNING: do not attempt this if you only have one toilet in your home. No one else will ever be able to go, because super glue is permanent. We recommend Krazy Glue brand for its superior sticking power.
7. If all else fails, purchase electric shock underwear. Watch your child cry in pain every time they poop or pee their pants, then laugh evilly.
Reward your child with a cool potty like this.
Disclaimer: Do not seriously attempt any of the suggestions on this page, unless you want arrested. Not responsible for any accidents, deaths, injuries, jail time, toilet mishaps, or anything like that, but again, if you are stupid enough to do stuff that I say, then you deserve anything that comes to you.