this and that

I just got the news that my Uncle has cancer.

Im sick.

I went to the doctor yesterday because I felt like dying. I woke up and I had stabbing awful pain in both ears, couldnt swallow, my body hurts all over, especially my joints.

I apparently have strep throat, an ear infection in both ears, and bronchitis.
After taking antibiotics yesterday and this morning, I already feel a lot better. Im able to swallow a lot better and my ears arent hurting as much.  However, the body aches persist. My right shoulder hurts so bad I cant hardly use it.

Now though, I have this awful cough that just started today. I am coughing and coughing and the phlegm is abundant.

I picked like the worst holiday to get sick on. I am supposed to stuff my face and get fatter but I couldnt eat much.

Oh, and it actually rained in Fort Oglethorpe! Which is in North Georgia! Where my mother in law lives! I used to live there before I moved to Atlanta! I had thanksgiving there! Cuz my own family is in Nashville! At my aunt’s house! They drove there from Ohio!

He ate ALL of my emery boards.

and I know someone reading this wont know what emery boards are, so its like, a nail file. he ate ALL my nail files.

We turned on the water faucet and nothing came out for a few hours.

Is the drought here going to like going to get worse and like no water will come out for long times??

I have the stinkiest feet in the whole world.

Pepe just licked me on the EYEBALL

I cant remember how much about my Grandpa Ive posted on here, since its been a while, but I’ll do a short rundown with the new bad news.

My grandpa was having really bad stomach pains last year around spring. He went to the doctor and they couldnt figure out what was wrong. He then came to my stepdad to see him and they thought it was his gallbladder. He then had it removed in December. The stomach pains went away for a little while but then came back. He tolerated it and then in June went back to a specialist and found out it was Pancreatic cancer. They did scans to see if they could remove it, but found it was growing also around his mesenteric artery (large artery in the abdomen). My grandpa decided not to get treatment. They gave him 6 months to live.

December was six months, and he’s been doing really badly. I saw him this summer, and he was just slightly skinnier, and pretty weak. I saw him at christmas, and if I didnt know it was him, I might not have recognized him. It was awful. He looked like a rack of bones and could hardly walk. Every day he is getting worse. I guess it wont be long now, as he is unable to walk at all and just lays there with his mouth open and cant completely shut his eyes or hardly talk. Today though, he told my mom that he wanted today to be the day he dies. This is one of the first times I wished someone close to me could just go. He is so tired and miserable. He is also very upset because two people in my family had babies today and he knows he wont live to see them. He talked with my mother about how there are now new lives and he can go. Apparently a week ago he was saved, as well. He was always a good man, but he didnt know how to be saved, he said. He will be missed, but I just dont want him to be in pain anymore.

My first day of class so far hasnt been that bad. As expected, this first day of explanations has helped a good bit. The first “class” I am actually taking is called “Nursing seminar” and the six 8 hour labs I have to do in the next two weeks are part of that. The teriffic thing is that we dont have to wear our SAU nursing uniforms for it! We can wear blue scrubs. Blue scrubs are so much more awesome than a gross and stiff polo shirt and white see through pants you have to wear granny panties with. PLUS I CAN GET THE SCRUB TOPS WITH THE LITTLE POCKETS IN THE FRONT! Im so excited, they are so handy. If you’ve never worn scrubs, then let me tell you, they are comfy. Its like wearing your pajamas to work. Nurses have got it made.

But yeah anyways, I feel a bit less anxious about it. I signed up for the exact unit in the exact hospital I want to work at when I graduate for my shifts, which is awesome. It will be great to get more experience and get to know the nurses and the floor better before I start there (most likely) in June or so. So that is a relief. I didnt know if we were going to get to sign up or if they were assigned, and I was scared I would end up on a floor that doesnt interest me. I am glad they let you pick what you are interested in, because then you can get more experience and a better feel for what you’ll actually be doing.

I am glad I am feeling a good bit less scared about this semester. Ive had so much anxiety about it.

On an unrelated note, I think my arm hairs look stupid. Im got my hair cut today, haha. I forgot that I hadnt gotten a trim since the beginning of October. It looks fine and healthy and I dont have split ends, so the only reason I thought of it was cuz I straightened it today and my hair was soooo long.

I wrote this post earlier today, but it wasnt letting me post it. I found out at my lab tonight that some of my labs for my class are on Sundays from 1pm-11pm. So yeah, I get 1 day weekends. Oh, and since I have a lab 6:30am-7pm this Sunday, I get a 1 day weekend as soon as this weekend!

Well, I dont suppose, realistically, I have anything better to do on the weekends other than lay around and be lazy, since I dont have any friends and there is nothing to do.

MUST REPEAT TO SELF: ONLY 4 MONTHS OF THIS THEN YOU ARE DONE FOREVER. Please, anybody I talk to, remind me of this often.

Today I felt like I was having a bad day at first until I talked to the girl sitting behind me. I dont even know her name because she wasnt with my class from the beginning, she joined cuz she failed the class and has to take it again. Anyways, she looked pretty distraught this morning and nobody really seemed to be talking to her or asking her if she was okay, so I did. She then told me that she was having a bad day. I asked if she wanted to talk about it, and she told me that her brother is in the hospital and is going to die today. I dont even know if I could come to class if my brother was dying…I think I’d be with him in the hospital. I felt so bad. I hope that her and her family are doing okay. Im glad that I went ahead and talked to her because she looked appreciative that somebody noticed she was upset. I gave her a hug and she was crying.

My grandpa is on the way to our hospital here where I live (Im in ohio, btw). I guess he is very sick and has been pretty sick since last Wednesday. Dr. Roddy (my stepfather) is going to look at him, and if he is too sick, he will have to stay in the hospital. I am really worried. He’s 85, which is pretty old, and thats bad for getting sick. I am really really worried. I really dont know what I’d do if something happened to him.

If anybody who reads this prays, please keep my grandpa in your prayers please.

I am some sort of sick. I woke up this morning and couldnt breathe. Not like, “im so congested and plugged up I cant breathe” but “omg my throat is constricted something is wrong i am suffocating” type. I ended up having to go to urgent care and be injected in the fanny with solumedrol and in the arm with epinephrine. It was not pleasant.

But I am alive.

PS- I made a 94% on my nursing test.

I found out that my cousin Millner in WV got caught on more than one occasion peeping in the window looking at my GREAT AUNT Helen changing clothes. She is like 70.

Hey readers of my blog,

I just wanted to make a post to say that I am sorry in advance. I am not sure how much I will be posting in the near future.

I am going through a really, really hard time right now because of several situations. Im really not doing very well and any words of encouragement would help a lot.

I just thought I’d say something so you wouldnt think I just stopped using my blog in general, in case I dont make any posts for a while.

why do they make us, college students, take freaking gym class?

one of the activities today was crabwalk soccer. in the words of steven, am i in middle school still or what?

i dont think the real point of this class is to teach us how to be physically fit. i think its just to humiliate us.

If you ever have to throw up, just do it. Dont try to hold it in when you do that heave thing or it will go out your nose and mouth both. There isnt too much more Ive experienced that were more uncomfortable. It is like the water in your nose feeling but with stomach acid. And it hurts for hours.

I have a little cousin who is 6 named Alisha. She has some sort of syndrome that she was born with, but they cant figure out what or why. She has a good bit off slightly off bodily characteristics, such as really long funnily shaped legs, she coughs a lot and has breathing treatments, she has strangely shaped feet that she is supposed to wear special shoes to help correct, her thumbs look more like fingers sticking out of the side of her hand, and she has a bit of an odd look to her face, to name a few. She also cannot talk. She understands when you tell her most things and you can tell she can think things through, even if she cant talk. We have gotten her to sort of say a few words, such as Papaw and my cousin’s name, Amber, and Sasha, one of my aunt’s dogs. She gets frustrated often because she cant make us understand what she wants and my other little cousins can by talking.

Anyways, my mother called me and told me that the doctor decided now that she is older that they have to do something so she can communicate. I guess what she has to do is use a special sort of computer and go to school to learn how to spell words on it so we can read what she wants us to know, so that is neat. She has been going to a school to learn some sign language and we all sign some things with her like the words please and thank you and other stuff like milk and foods to ask if she wants them, etc. So that is the ok part.
Then, my Aunt Cindy decided to take her to the doctor again because she had been having bowel movements in her pants all the time. Apparently she hadnt even been trying to go to the toilet, even though she is potty trained. She’d just been going wherever. My aunt thought it was a behavioral problem, as it usually is in kids her age so when she told the doctor about it, they decided that it probably wasnt due to a behavioral problem because she really didnt have any other symptoms or anything and decided to check out her gastrointestinal system. When they did xrays, she has such bad blockage that they think some of its been there for years. I guess when she’d have bowel movements it was all soft because your body often does that to get around blockages, but my Aunt just thought she was not having a problem with constipation and getting plenty of fiber. So now they have given her some stuff she has to take to try to clear the blockage. Apparently if it doesnt work then they will have to try other things. The problem is bad though because the doctor thinks that because of the blockage, its caused damage and Alisha doesnt even know when she needs to have a bowel movement, she doesnt feel any urge or anything. That is bad. My mom told me that after they clear the blockage that they will work with her to try to “retrain” her bowels but that she doesnt know what will happen if she has permanently lost feeling to know when she has to poop. I think she’ll either have to wear a diaper or have a colostomy done or something, both of which suck and are sad, especially since she is a kid.

my mom just called and told me that my uncle died.

 he was teh awesome

I have to wipe poop on a card. THREE times. I cant decide whether to tell or spare the details. Tell me in teh comments if you want details.

But man I will say that I dont like it

So I went with Danielle to donate plasma today. Before you donate, they stick you in a little room thing and ask you 10,000 questions, take your vitals, and do a finger stick to check your hematocrit (iron and red blood cell level basically) and protein levels. While she is taking my blood pressure and temperature, I glanced at her computer screen. It shows last time I donated’s results for all the checks they do. I noticed my hematocrit was 39. I couldnt remember what normal was, but that sounded low to me, so I asked her what normal was. She says 38-54. So then I say does it seem to be running low? She says yes. Today’s hematocrit was 37, a level not high enough to even donate. I became upset, because its been running low for like 2 years now.

Then I came home and decided to read about it. There was a site with symptoms of anemia, with things like being sluggish and tired (check…people have been yelling at me lately for sleeping so muchly), rapid heartbeat (check), feeling unusually cold (check…this one was obvious to me cuz i am almost always hot. but lately, ive been really cold often), etc. So I called my mother to ask her advice. She says she has the same problem. I also read online that low hematocrit/iron is genetic, so there you go. So I decide to go to the health center. I told the nurse practitioner all the stuff I’d read (not cuz she doesnt know, duh, just so she knows what i know) and asked her what I should do. She suggested she draw some vials of blood and it would be tested and I could know the results tomorrow and she can see what I need to do.

Apparently, if my blood levels are fine but just the iron is low, according to how low it is, I can just take some iron supplements forever. If the iron is fine but hematocrit is still low, I have to have more tests to see where I am losing blood, mostly commonly a gastrointestinal bleed. Apparently if she thinks thats the case, one of the tests I have to do is swiping turds on a card to see if there is blood in it. I do not want to wipe any turds on any cards.  

i feel awful and i cant stop coughing my head off. my feet and calves hurt so badly that i cant hardly stand it. i cant sleep. i dont know what to do, because ive taken medicine and it isnt helping and i am miserable.

when i try to breathe in it hurts and gets all itchy feeling. i feel like someone is sitting on my chest. whoever it is, please get off; it is uncomfortable kthnx 

I am at my house in Ohio. Today I needed to tell my mother something. I go to find her. I see her door is cracked. I knock. She says "Im in here!" so I open the door and walk in. I here scrubbing noises coming from her bathroom in their room and the door is open, so I figured she was in there doing cleaning. She was. In fact, she was in the shower, scrubbing it, completely naked.

My family is crazy. 

My car was making funny noises and also needed its oil changed, so mom told me to take it to the dealership here and they could just fix it if it was broken after doing the oil change or whatever. So I wait and wait and wait like 2 hours and finally they come in and ask me what I had done to my muffler. A few weeks ago it broke and I had had it fixed and so that is what I told him. He tells me that it is not fixed and that is what the noises are. He explains to me that they didnt fix the broken part, and that he has no idea what on earth they’ve done to it. He continues explaining that there are like 3 or so pieces dealing with your muffler and instead of replacing the broken part, they’ve simply welded all three of the pieces in there together, meaning that the dealership cant get them apart to fix the one broken one, and are going to have to remove all of it and replace the entire thing, which will cost me $800. So yeah, I paid a crap garage to mess up my car. I am getting my car fixed while I am on vacation at our dealership in Ohio so I went to the desk to pay for my oil change and I noticed the fat hick lady at the desk was wearing half of a BFF necklace.

This blew my mind. 

lol i had a really long title for this post but it wouldnt fit right so here is the continuation:

I just need to get it out, etc. Plus this is my freaking blog so I can post whatever I want and I can be as emo as I please and post whatever complaining and whining and crying I feel like and my faithful readers can ignore it and/or comfort me but i’ve just had such a bad month and i really apologize and YOU DONT HAVE TO READ THIS IF YOU DONT WANT TO

how do you like the plugs i just ordered from kaos softwear? arent they adorable?

also, the situation with the nurse and underwear and falling alseep thing has gotten worse. i’ll post more details later, but basically, i called my instructor last night to ask again about getting a new assignment and so basically she interrupts me, says she cant talk to me about this because the nurse manager has just called her and she needs to talk to someone else first and she’ll call me back. So pretty much even though both problems are taken care of, the nurse manager has made such a big deal out of this that shes told my school about them, and I have to have a meeting with Jaclynn, my instructor, and Dr. James, one of the heads of the nursing department, on sunday. I asked, politely, on the phone, if I could know the subject matter of the meeting. She said me falling asleep, "uniform issues", and just some other concerns. This pisses me off more than anything because I’ve already fixed both of those issues and there is no way there is any other concerns because Ive done nothing wrong. Ive seriously gone out of my way to be helpful if anything. Seriously…how is this such a big deal that they had to get me in trouble with my school??

#1 Issue- Falling Asleep: I totally apologized to my nurse, the student nurses who were in the room, and the nurse manager. These are the only people this directly even matters to. I mean, if I fell asleep in a room full of babies that I was supposed to be watching to make sure they didnt die and I was alone and fell asleep, yeah, this would be a major issue. But I had been sitting in a chair for literally 5 hours, there wasnt ONE baby in the room, etc. Plus I already took care of it and my nurse was just like oh well just dont let it happen again, joked about it, and I thought it was taken care of since I admitted I did something wrong and was unprofessional, and apologized and she had even joked about it. This is why I was surprised when the charge nurse even knew about it.

#2 Issue- My Pants: This is even more taken care of and stupid than the first issue. Seriously. It shouldnt really even be an issue. It would be an issue if I did it on purpose. It would be an issue if I had worn those panties with the writing on the back that said something obscene and you could read it through my pants. It would be an issue if I was belligerent about changing my pants and lost my temper. I was so nice and polite though and just explained that these were my school uniform pants and after wearing them for two semesters, it had not been brought to my attention that you could see through them, that I was very sorry and hoped I hadnt offended anyone, and I asked what I should do to fix the problem, including asking permission to wear a different colored darker scrub pant. She had said yes, so I went that night since I had to work the next day also and bought black scrub pants, which when I showed my nurse I was wearing she said they looked much nicer and more professional anyways. Also I might add she said they made me look much thinner. So doesnt it sound like even if this was a problem that its totally taken care of and doesnt need my school dragged into this one in the least bit, other than if the nurse manager wanted to call the school and tell them that we need to be assigned to wear different pants.

#3- "Other Concerns": There are no other freaking concerns that my nurse or the nurse manager could bring up. Ive done nothing but wait hand and foot on my nurse and everyone else. Ive done their dirty work. Ive done sooo much crap I dont have to do. I even have done stuff wednesday for another nurse so that my nurse and her could gossip. Yeah, thats right. They asked me if I’d go in and check on a patient and take them coffee because they wanted to talk. Of course I actually dont mind doing it that much since I really dont have anything else to do and sit around mostly, Im just using this example to show that Ive done everything I can to be helpful. Ive freaking even delivered dinner trays for a tech who wanted to leave early. Ive folded blankets. Ive taken people ice. Ive cleaned things. None of these being my job or giving me any nursing practice at all. Im just so upset that Ive gone out of my way to be helpful and they are getting me in trouble with my school.

#4- My Concern: Im scared to death that their "other concerns" is my nurses doings since she doesnt like me obviously. If she has gone as low to have tattled on me for wearing jewelry in my ears since I know she’s noticed it (although I always keep my hair over my ears in school as to not get in trouble since no jewelry is allowed), and also having a visible tattoo. If she’s mentioned any of these things then its totally just out of spite because she isnt an SDA anymore (she made it clear to me that she LEFT the church and sounded pissed about it) so she shouldnt care, and she obviously knows that my school doesnt allow jewelry. I can so see her, just out of spite, mentioning something just to get me in trouble about how I act unprofessionally and EVEN HAVE VISIBLE JEWELRY AND TATTOO.

If she’s done this, and they dont give me a new assignment, how the crap am I going to face her on monday for work?  "Oh Hi Paula, how are you today? Good, Im fine too, except the fact that you freaking told on me, got me in trouble with my school, I had to have a meeting with two people yesterday and (if the jewelry and tattoo gets brought up) Ive had to remove my earrings which Ive been working on stretching for months and have cost me alot of money and also been ordered to keep my tattoo covered at all times. Oh, also! Ive been fined $100 dollars for the jewelry/tattoo lesson, which will sure teach me a lesson!".

Ugh. I hate her. I cant think of anything else she’d have on me. Like I said, Ive constantly asked what I can do for her and everyone else and I do it. If she has made up things about me, if I get in trouble because of my ears, or they dont give me a turn to talk and explain myself and also bring up concerns of my own, Im going to be so super pissed.

Ive already talked to my mom about changing schools if they treat me nonrespectfully tomorrow. Im already prepared to look into whatever I have to, because Im just so tired of the hassle and how everyone treats me. I really get treated badly, and Im not being paranoid.

At first I was just like "why me?" but after talking about it with a good friend, I know why it is. Its because I dont fit the little blonde cute nursing girl mold. Im different and I have my own ideas and adventists cant deal with it. Ive been pretty tolerant thus far, because Im not really a quitter, but what gets me is that I am smarter than a good portion of the girls (and a few boys…I guess I should say students) in my class. Im a valuable student at this school in that way and also that my parents are large supporters of Southern as well. We dont have debt like most students; we pay our $40,000 for me and my sister in cash at the beginning of each semester. My parents donate, my parents are influential, and my grandparents serve on the conference head. Plus, they dont know my mom. She’s as pissed off as I am and Ive told her not to but if things go bad on Sunday Im sure they will be getting a very unpleasant call from a very pissed off mother. 

My mom is pretty supportive of me. It made me upset though the other night when it came up in conversation about them having something against me for being different. I got mad and said that it is stupid that im not treated fairly because I dont match them and my mom said maybe that I should. She’s always been ok with me being "different" and having my own ideas, etc, and when she sort discouraged me it really made me upset. I just dont feel like I should have to compromise who I am because of someone else’s agenda. And yeah, black hair and piercings and the way I dress and act arent "who I am" and are things I could work on, but as christians shouldnt they just extend the same hand of welcome to every student? Im not even that different anyways. There are kids here acting 10x worse than me and stuff. Im a good (student) nurse, Im smart, Im attentive in class, I ask questions, I help out other students, and even though my grades dont completly reflect it, im in the top part of my class. I mean, take for example last semester in adult 1 class’ lab. I was the only student in my lab group checked off to do blood sugar checks alone. In fact, I went around with my classmates and instructed them on how to do it. That is another thing that is good about me as a student for them; Im very indepedent. When I have my assignment I do it and I dont need help or someone to go with me. I’d do blood sugar checks for other nurse’s entire halls because no other students could do it right. Blood sugar checks arent even hard in the least part, which is what baffled me. Anyways, Im totally bragging but I have a right. Im a good student and they need to treat me like one.

Im really frustrated.  When they gave me a note my first semester of nursing saying I needed to dye my hair a natural color, they added on there that they "knew I liked to be different". I dont like to be different, I just like to be Emily and Emily likes having black hair and piercings and a tattoo (both of which are normally covered) and wearing what she wants and I dont think there should be anything wrong with any of that. I AM NOT SINNING. Im not going to go to hell for any of this.

Ive tried so hard these last two semesters to put up with all the crap I keep getting but its getting so hard to tolerate. Im getting really discouraged. I really hope this meeting on sunday is just "ok these are the issues. oh, you’ve already gotten them taken care of? good job. sorry for wasting your time." and letting me go.

If something drastic happens I dont know what I am going to do. Ive just had so much stress and emotional stress especially this month that I dont know if I can deal with anything else. I feel like Im going crazy over here. I just dont know how much more I can be handed before I cant deal anymore. I hope that they arent all mean about the meeting. Im so scared they’ll push the wrong buttons on me and I’ll be so stressed out that I’ll just crack and end up getting defensive and disrespectful. Thats how horribly stressed out I am. Ive been snapping at everyone and thats part of why Im not getting along with my parents or anyone else. I just need some time to relax and I need for people to be humans around me instead of retards and monsters and turds.

I guess Im just at a point right now where I almost just dont care anymore. I just want this all to be over with. I want to be done and I want to relax. I dont even care that much how it goes on Sunday. They could kick me out at this point for all I care, good riddance. I can go give my parents money to another school that is better than southern.

Im really thinking about two options right now; Kettering and Andrews. Two colleges that are actually closer to my house (bleh) but I have friends there at both colleges and bunches of them around Kettering also. Andrews is in Michigan, which I dont really want to do because its just too freaking cold al year round almost there and the kids are kinda stuck up…but there are like 6 or so kids there I graduated with, including like Jamie and Fritz and Heidi, all of which I’d have to hang out with. Also at Andrews the religious meeting requirement is less, and there isnt a jewelry rule. Kettering is in Dayton, OH and I know three people who go to school there, two of them are in nursing there actually, which will be helpful. Also, I have a group of friends I graduated with that live in the area too, so I have them to hang out with. Also, my ex boyfriend Chris lives in Dayton, so since I used to hang out there all the time, I know lots of people, and we are still friends so he’ll totally help me make friends too. And I really like Dayton for some reason. So yeah, those would be the first two schools I’d be looking into. My parents will only pay for me to go to an adventist school, btw. There are various ones scattered about the nation, also, that I could choose from. Maybe I should go to an overseas one for my last year of school, haha. The most popular ones to attend are in London, Australia, and Italy. Might be fun. I dont think I want to do that though. I could go to Loma Linda, California. My aunt and uncle actually live there and are neurologists at the school’s hospital. Which, I may add, is very prestigious. They were like the first hospital to do the ape heart transplant, and other cool stuff like that. I bet they’d even let me live with them. It might be a good change of scenery, and there are lots of asian boys in california. My uncle is asian. He’s chinese, so like their kids are cute little half asians. Except the youngest, who they adopted from china. So she’s ultra asian. And they love me, so I could fit in there well. That might be neat but I dont think I want to be that far away from my family and friends.

Ugh, I suppose I have a lot to think about today before the meeting, like what responses I am going to have and what Im going to do if things turn bad, which will turn my thinking time into weeks instead.

Keep me in your prayers if any of you do that, and the rest of you think of me tomorrow or cross your fingers for me or do whatever you do. I really dont want it to go bad, I just want to finish my last year here and be done with all this crap. I want to just get done next summer, find a place to live, and finally be free from the chains of adventist persecution, and relax. If any hot mens reading this want to date me, that’d be cool too cuz Im getting bored.

Anyways, keep me in mind tomorrow. I need it. 

Ive had a bad last two days. Im getting frustrated with my seemingly bad luck with things. I guess you know how like stuff builds up and then you feel like youre going to explode? Its like that.

 I hate working 12 hour shifts; my nurse was scheduled for today and yesterday both. Standing up for pretty much 12 hours this often is killing me. I already have back problems and my back hurts sooo bad like within 4 hours. Not to mention my feet hurt too. 12 hours is just sooo long to do almost anything. I wish we could do 8 hour shifts.

Yesterday was horrid. I did actually get to work on time for the first time so far. That was a good thing. The first part of the day goes pretty quick, until about lunch time. Then like all the moms are awake and the babies are with the moms in their rooms and I have nothing to do. While I dont really like babies, at least they give me something to do. I fed my first baby and changed a diaper for the first time yesterday. As in, Ive never done either in real life or work or nothing. It went fine. A little too fine. There was another student nurse there and she’s all saying how Im so naturally good with babies and asked how many kids I have. I was kind of put off I suppose, but replied and said I didnt have any, and that I was only 19. She made a surprised face and said she thought I was older and that I look very mature. She was kinda old. She was 29 and had one kid. I dont know how I felt about that conversation. She was nice though. Once all the babies left yesterday though, it was miserable. There was NOTHING to do. I sat in a chair for 6-7 hours, literally. I was sick the night before last and then did not sleep at all before work so I was tired but had been doing ok. After the first 3 hours of sitting there, I dozed off for like 10 minutes and then woke up to like ten people around me laughing at me because I fell asleep. My nurse yelled at me and told me if I was an employee I would have been fired. She then resumed doing her paperwork and I sat there for another 4 hours. So why the crap did it matter that I dozed off? It wasnt like I was doing anything anyways. Im getting really sick of sitting around doing nothing and asking like every 10 minutes if there is anything I can do. It isnt like I just sit to be lazy. I constantly ask if I can do anything, thats how bored I am. It must be horribly annoying. Its probably literally every 10 minutes that I ask if there is something I can do. Thats how I end up doing stupid crap like putting labels on things or folding blankets or taking people ice.

So anyways, me and the other student nurse see some magazines. We ask if we can read them cuz we are bored. The nurse says oh yes sure go ahead, you can do whatever you want, YOU JUST CANT SLEEP, and glared at me. I was just like whatever and started reading gay magazines. Like an hour later my nurse is like um….the head charge nurse wants to talk to you emily. So I am all wtf and then figured she wanted to talk to me about like practicum and when I’d be finished or something like that.  She took me in a conference room and started explaining to me rudely that "the whole hospital knew I was wearing thong underwear" and that you could see through my pants and that she didnt think me wearing white pants was appropriate. And I was like um…well…this is kind of my school uniform and I am wearing white underwear and I didnt mean to be inappropriate or whatever. She was so snotty and was all saying how everyone else noticed, and not just her, and that everyone was talking about me. Why even tell someone something like that? First of all, who cares, and second of all that is like kind of super rude. So I was like what do you want me to do about this, it isnt like you couldnt see my underwear if I wore any other kind and this is my school’s nursing uniform….and she is like yeah go buy some dark pants we dont want to see your underwear. She was such a snot. I then went back into the nursery and the other student nurse was like omg are you ok are you upset are you sooo embarrassed????? and Im like um no…I wasnt embarrassed, I was pissed off that that stupid woman confronted me with that attitude. So I totally had to go to walmart (seeing as to how I had to work today too and its the only place that sells scrub pants at that time of night) and buy black scrub pants. Oh yeah and then my nurse is all yeah I didnt want to say anything so I had her talk to you but I didnt want any men or anything saying anything to you. I was so pissed off….I mean, she is my nurse and the one who is really in charge of me, and it pisses me off that she couldnt just tell me myself and had to tell the head person on the unit to yell at me for it like I was in trouble or something. Also, the charge nurse talked to me about falling asleep for 10 FREAKING MINUTES like it was 5 hours or something….ugh. And it really was ten minutes, dont think I am just saying that. Believe me, I watch the clock constantly because I cant wait to get out of there. I was so pissed off at my nurse for telling on me. I mean come on…why the crap would she tell on me? Like I said, my nurse is in charge of me. I am not an employee of the hospital so like having a charge nurse talk to me isnt really necessary. I was just so mad yesterday, I hate my nurse. She is very knowledgable in her area and whatnot, but she is a careless nurse and is rude, besides. She doesnt even set a good example for me as a student. If I had a student working under me as a nurse, I’d totally like be mega careful and do everything exactly right like since someone is trying to learn from me. She does stupid crap though. Like she gives meds without knowing what they are…..and that upsets me. I mean, like the other day she gave some medication and then when we looked at the medication schedule for her patients I saw that it said to only give that medicine with food, and it was so early in the morning that the patient she gave the medicine to hadnt had breakfast yet. That means she gave it on a pretty much empty stomach, since it was like 7 am and dinner is at 5pm the day before. I mean, that example isnt that big of a deal really other than stomach irritation possibly, but she does it all the time. She’ll be like hmm I have no idea what this is oh well and give it to the patient. I’d never do that, out of being scared I’d hurt someone, you know? I mean what if you made someone sick or (worst case scenario) they died because of your medication error cuz you didnt check? Its just stupid and bad nursing practice. She also recaps needles. You dont recap needles…and if you HAVE or NEED to, then you dont just pick up needle caps and put them on. There is a special way to do it to avoid contamination and also accidental needle sticks. I know to most of you reading this most of this doesnt mean anything to you, but it really is bad nursing practice and especially to do around a student who is learning. She did something potentially very dangerous today even. Here is a super sad story which shall include my nurse’s bad practices.

We had a 17 year old patient, who for confidentialities sake, we’ll call Sarah. Sarah goes to the doctor with bad stomach pain. They say oh its probably just your appendix, here is some antibiotics. Sarah takes them. It gets worse. They tell her to continue the medicine. It gets horribly worse so she goes to the hospital again. This time they decide to do some tests and LO AND BEHOLD she did have an infected appendix, that because the doctor didnt get checked out, had now ruptured and caused a major absess in Sarah’s abdomen. Now this absess of major infection is spreading and goes into her uterus. So yeah now Sarah is at our hospital because she has had to get a hysterectomy and removal off all the infected crap in there. Thats sad enough as it is, because most 17 year old girls need their uteruses cuz they want to have kids…she’d never even had sex even because it said in her chart that her hymen was still intact. She also had to get her ovaries and everything removed because the infection was massive. Too bad though for Sarah, because they totally screwed her surgery up and clipped her colon without realizing this until just yesterday when she is pooping out her vagina. The girl cant even get out of bed and walk around or anything because when she does all the waste in her bowels just falls out of her vagina. Thats the saddest/grossest surgery mistake ever. The whole situation was just horrible…I mean this girl is only 17 and already has to be on hormones since she doesnt have female organs anymore. I felt so bad for her. She was like sitting there having hot flashes and just sweating so much her face and stuff were wet. I gave her a shot in her stomach. Im so good that she was like hey, usually it hurts but your technique didnt hurt at all! Anyways, when we came in to do our AM assessment, knowing that this girl has open wounds on her stomach from surgery that are obviously infected, I would not touch bare skin with my hands or a stethoscope (which the nurse uses on babies and other patients which totally dont need any of those germs) without gloves or a stethoscope cover, but she did anyways. Bad nursing practice. I never touch patients like that unless I am covered….I mean, not only for my protection but because I could have a germ on my hands that could transmit to them also, even though I wash my hands and use alcohol on them 6000000+ times a day (not really that many but i have to wash and/or alcohol before touching anybody and then also when leaving their room and between each baby in the nursery so it really is soooo many times that my hands hurt at the end of the day). So then we get the labs and cultures back for Sarah an hour or so later. It turns out she has an infection so terribly bad that its vancomycin resistant. Vancomycin is like a super hardcore antibiotic…..like its so strong that there is only like one other one stronger than it. Like her infection is so serious that they are treating her with that other antibiotic and if it doesnt respond to this one, there isnt really anything else they can do. I cant remember the name of the organism, but thats a pretty big deal to have a bug that nothing can kill. She will die if this antibiotic doesnt work. So…lets think about this. My nurse was touching this girl’s stomach with her bare hands and stethoscope, not knowing what kind of infection she has or anything. Soooo stupid. I mean, this case was so serious that after we got the results from the lab we had to wear gloves and plastic aprons like in surgery just to go in the room, and like infection control had to come and put up signs to make sure that this super bug doesnt get spread. Im so paranoid anyways when I work at the hospital about wearing gloves and washing that I just dont see how my nurse could be so careless. Anyways, that case was so horribly sad and extreme. It was so awful that when we told her that she had a super bug and we had to wear protective stuff and so did her mother when we are in the room that like she started crying and it was awful.

My nurse was working on the side unit today with like also gyn surgery. That is why Sarah was there. So I didnt work with babies at all today…just adult women who were all super sick. It was strange that every single one of my nurse’s patients were so terribly sick except one. Like, in the morning one of our patients almost stroked out on us. She was eclamspic and like her blood pressure was crazy out of control. Ive never seen anything like it. Like we took her BP and it was 180 over something and so we gave her BP lowering medicine. We figured she’d be ok and then came back to check her BP in an hour. It had gone up to almost 200 instead of coming down with the medicine! Like she was all like crazy sick and everyone was freaking out (oh ps your top blood pressure number should be between 110-120 to be normal for you non medical types). We couldnt get ahold of a doctor for forever but  finally we did and moved her to a different unit. It was crazy. Maybe Amy will appreciate this post even if most of you dont.

My nurse makes random rude comments all the time. I dont like it. Like once we were just standing in the hall and she’s like "man! your legs are short". Not necessary. Then today she said infront of Sarah and her mom that I had short fat fingers. I dont really care about either comment, its just that its kinda rude and not necessary. She also asked me if I was a mexican more than once. I DONT LOOK MEXICAN! THE STUDENT NURSE YESTERDAY ASKED ME IF I WAS GREEK! I DO NOT LOOK GREEK! WHY IS EVERYONE OBSESSED WITH MY ETHNIC BACKGROUND???I FREAKING LOOK AMERICAN/EUROPEAN/CAUCASIAN/WHITE. Argh, that pissed me off too. Also, in the elevator on the way out yesterday a black man was in the elevator with me and he asked me if I was wearing a wig. wtf if that supposed to mean? My hair doesnt look like plastic.When I responded with um no he asked who did it and I was like um me and he’s like when and i was seriously about to say wtf are you talking about but i said um this morning? Seriously, why would you ask someone when they did their hair? Isnt it kind of a given that people do their hair in the morning before work? I dont know anybody who brings a blow dryer and curling iron and hairspray to do their hair mid work. Gosh. What is wrong with people???

So yeah today I had to only do a half day of work. Im getting so frustrated with my body; I dont understand why I keep getting sick and stuff lately. My kidneys started acting up so badly that I was in so much pain I was sweating and flushed and my nurse even noticed something was wrong without me even having to say anything. Ugh. And of course I am out of my medicine I take when this happens so I had to go through the hassle of having a presciption called to a pharmacy here and going to pick it up and crap. Im getting so fed up with my body being stupid. I just hate that I have so many problems. Its discouraging to know Im going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. 

I just want to be done with practicum. Its so horrible. I hate it. I just keep getting sick and things keep happening so I am so freaking behind. Its May 26 and Ive only done 3.5 out of 10 shifts. Practicum is only supposed to take up May but its going to take me a while into June. Even worse, I have to leave for Ohio June 10 so that I can go on preplanned vacation with my family…so then I have to come back as soon as that is done so I can go right back to stupid practicum. I think I’ll still have four shifts left after that. Ugh…

There is just too much going on lately. Way too many situations and stressors and people problems. Im not even getting along with my mother and I dont like that. Im tired of being upset with people or pissed off with people. Why cant everyone at least try to be nice and agreeable and honest? I feel like jumping out my window. 

******the basics******
1. Full name: Emily Eddy
2. Birthday: June 3, 1985
3. Location: born or live now? born in pittsburgh, live in chattanooga, tn
4. Where else have you lived: columbus, ohio, piketon, ohio, waverly, ohio, otway, ohio
5. School/mascot/colors: Waverly High School- Orange and Black (Tigers…bleh), Mount Vernon Academy- Red and White (Eagles…funny, never seen any red and white eagles)
6. Zodiac sign: Gemini, but I think all that is new age phooey
7. Shoe size: 6.5-7.5
8. Height: 5′2"
9. Weight: 400 lbs
10. Pets: about 13 cats at home with no names
11. Siblings: Nina (5), Sophia (5), Katie (13), Richie (16), Alex (16), Rachel (18), Ari (29)
12. Eye color: green
21. Bra Size: 38 D
22. Penis length: I enjoy being a girl. (thanks amanda)
13. Hair color: black
14. Hair length: shortish medium
15. Ever dyed your hair?: yes
16. What color?: various shades of reds and maroons, bright red, blue, black (obviously)
17. Grade: Junior in College
18. Are you good in school?: yes
19 Hobbies: internet, my website, hanging out with friends, movies, tv shows sometimes, snowboarding in the winter (i sure miss this), being stupid
20. Nicknames: eme, emmy, emdogg, flem, Fatty Mc Fat Fat Mc Lardy, Chuck.
21. What languages do you speak? English and some Spanish
22. Do you play sports? not anymore
23. Where were you born? Pittsburgh
24. Are you a night or a morning person? night
25. Are you ticklish? yes but i try to pretend i am not
26. Do you believe in God? yes
27. Do you have any other screen names?: I have tons but I only usually use "iusemyseatbelt" "porkdisco" and "mcchrispwnz"
28. What are they?: I have over 30 I dont want to list them all but some are "supremebeargod" "immistersister" "ilovebritneyspee" "turtlehumper"
29. Do you have braces?: I did
30. Do you have glasses/ contacts?: yes, both

!!!!!!getting personal!!!!!!

31. What do you want to be when you grow up? writer or like something to do with comedy, mental health nurse
32. What was the worst day of your life? When my grandma died two days after christmas my sophomore year of HS, probably….and then my boyfriend broke up with me a few days later cuz i was "too moody" about her death…there are several other pretty bad days i guess but that is prolly the worst
33. What is your most embarrassing story? Probably when I did a surgery observation for nursing and like they made me stand on a stool and chuckled at me infront of all these surgeons and stuff because I am too short.
34. What has been the best day of your life? hmmm no idea….
35. What comes first in your life? Jesus, family, friends I guess
36. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? yes a crush I suppose…several ahaha
37. What are you most scared of?: my mom and sister always being miserable
38. If you had an extra set of eyes where would you put them? on the back of my head?
39. What do you usually think about before you go to bed? mmm sleeps
40. What do you regret the most?: treating someone i loved pretty badly
41. If you could be anything without consequences, what would u be?: serial killer

$$$$$$favorites$$$$$$

42. Movie: Currently? I dont know. My favorites would be super troopers and office space and star wars and waking life and south park movie and team america and napolean dynamite
43. Song: Vexed and Glorious by Kenna
44. Band/group: Cursive probably currently. My all time favorite would be Weezer.
45. Store: Starbucks even though thats more of a restaurant or something
46. Relative: mom
47. Sport: gymnastics and snowboarding
48. Vacation spot: Alaska was awesome…I like a lot of places, beaches are ok sometimes
49. Ice cream flavor: strawberry probably
50. Fruit: i like pineapple the best or strawberries or chicken
51. Candy: sugar babies or nerds or chocolate sometimes
52. Car: volkswagens…bmws…volvos…
53. Class: mental health was awesome
54. Holiday: christmas definately….
55. Day of the week: saturday
56. Color: black
57. Magazine: spin? i dont really read them
58. Name for a girl: i hate kids but I like the name zahra and also Xerox for either sex
59. Name for a boy: i again hate kids but I like Xerox and Adolf and Monroe and Harrison and Amadeus and Geronimo and Jack.
60. Sports team: none please
61: Month: december
62. Man athlete: none please
63. Female athlete: none please
64. Actress: anna faris, penelope cruz, and like natalie portman (even though she’s a liberal) are pretty hot
65. Actor: Johnny Depp, Kevin Spacey, Orlando Bloom, and like Michael Ian Black are pretty cool
66. Tv show: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, South Park, Family Guy, American Dad, mXc, forensic files
67. Web site: fark.com
68. Animal: freaking rodeo monkeys
69. E-mail buddy: Tim Tv
70. Joke: Q: What’s brown and taps at the window? A: A turd on stilts. lolololol. also the one where the pirate says "arrrr its driving me nuts" at the end. or also Q: why wasnt the 12 year old allowed to watch the pirate movie? A: It was rated "arrrrr" (better said aloud of course)
71. Saying: saying? i dunno. "omg"?
72. Word: my favorite word is almost any short word with double consonants like "apple" or "muffin" or "cuppy".
73. Brand of shoes: brand? well…converse has hot shoes and birkenstocks are comfy although im not a lesbian
74. Radio station: i dont listen to the radio
75. Room in your house: I have a dorm ROOM.
76. Concert you have been to: Cursive.
77. Cd: Weezer’s pinkerton probably for the overall favorite
78. President: Zachary Taylor cuz Im totally related to him.
79. Salad: Lettuce with several different types of greens and spinach, feta cheese, caesar dressing, something like that. I love salad a whole lot
80. Meat: I only eat chicken meats. And yes Amanda, I would eat my dog.
81. Pizza topping: cheeeese or banana peppars
82. State: GA
83. City: I dont know. Atlanta is cool, NYC is ok. No preference
84. Lake: Lakes are evil. One killed my friend when I was a kid. Seriously. Sad story. Actually so traumatizing that I dont have any memories now even though I was old enough. I guess I blocked them or whatever cuz I only know about the story cuz my mom told me.
85. Ocean: Pacific is prettier than Atlantic.
86. Place to be: With people I like
87. Smell: I love the smell of roses, some men, that awesome armani cologne that Jamie wears, I love too many smells to list. I LOVE smelling things.
88. Sound: salad fingers on rusty spoons.
89. Taste: spicy food
90. Feeling: lurve
91. College: anyone but mine prolly
92. Number: 3
93. Book: Catcher in the Rye or Real Ultimate Power- The Offical Ninja Guide
94. Vacation spot: Alaska is neat
95. Grandma: All my real ones died so I guess my stepdad’s mother. She is pretty cool and uses funny southern phrases
96. Grandpa: My only grandparent alive is my mom’s dad and he rocks. He’s sooo cute and little..shorter than me even. He is all 50s core too…the whole elvis hair and cute little clothes. And he square dances. And he just turned 85. He rocks.
97. Cereal: cinnamon toast crunch. I also like lucky charms.

*~*~not so favorite~*~*

98. Car: PT Cruisers, minicoopers, most american cars. haha fags
99. Color: some browns, some yellows, poop green
100. Teacher: I dont have any currently but my least favorite was one I had in academy
101. Class: Physics/physical science
102. Day of the week and why: Monday…obvious. Im totally saying "somebody has a case of the mondays" and making that face currently fyi
103. Holiday: ones where like its no big deal and the stores are closed
104. Season: summer when its really really really hot
105. Month: august
106. Sport: football
107. Sports team: football ones
108. Male athlete: brnkt (thanks amanda)
109. Female athlete: brnkt (thanks amanda)
110. Movie: ghost ship, taking lives
111. Actress: I really can’t stand Julia Stiles and Kirstin Dunst
112. Actor: William Shatner.
113. T.V. Show: soap operas
114. Web site: lol i cant say
115. Food: yams
116. Drink: clam juice
117. Band: Pantera
118. Male singer: William Shatner
119. Female singer: Beyonce, Ashanti (thanks amanda)
120. Animal: scorpions
121. Store: buckle
122. Video rental store: i dont use these
123. E-mail buddy: yeah no (thanks amanda)
124. Joke: haha all the bad ones are the best (thanks amanda)
125. Saying: "whatever". this pisses me off to no end
126. Word: fig
127. Brand of shoes: nike
128. Radio station: i dont listen to radio
129. Room in your house: only have one sorry
130. Concert you have been to: supertones.
131. Cd: oh too many to list but probably "Has Been". Yeah, thats right.
132. President: none
133. Salad: crab or seafood kinds
134. Meat: beefs or fishes
135. Pizza topping: anchovies
136. State: kentucky
137. City: Waverly, Ohio
138. Lake: White (the one that killed my friend)
139. Ocean: arctic
140. Place to be: shows with stupid kids
141. Smell: beef cooking, valerian root
142. Sound: very high pitched ones
143. Taste: yams
144. Feeling: that ive been lied to
145. Letter: F
146. Date: Ive never really been on a real date i dont think
147. Book: books about wars or gay crap
148. Vacation spot: gatlinburg, tn.
149. Grandma: they died stupid
150. Grandpa: only have one and he is my favorite
151. Cereal: i am not sure. probably that crap with french toast

^^^^^^in the past 24 hours have you^^^^^^

152. Had a serious talk? yes
153. Hugged someone? yes
154. Fought with a friend? yes sam yi
155. Cried? was star wars 24 hours ago? cuz i teared up when padme died. but i didnt let myself cry. promise.
156. Laughed? yes
157. Made someone laugh? yes
158. Bought something? yes
159. Cut your hair? no
160. Felt stupid? no
161 talked to someone? yes
162. Missed someone? hm. maybe

??????have you ever??????

163. Done drugs? not really
164. Eaten an entire box of oreos? Oreos don’t come in a box. (thanks amanda) but like a package, yes..but not in one sitting.
165. Been dumped? yes
166. Had someone be unfaithful to you? yes more than once
167. Watched punky brewster? yes
168. Hiked a mountain? unfortunately
169. Stayed home on Saturday night, just because? yes
170. Been in love? yes
171. Seen the white house? yes more than once
172. Seen the Eiffel tower? yes, and i freaking wrote my name at the top and spit off it, too.
173. Tried smoking? [no comment]
174. Drank alcohol? [no comment]
175. Smoked marijuana? [no comment]
176. Played monopoly? yes
178. Seen titanic? yes unfortunately
179. Kissed someone? yes
180. French kissed someone? yes
181. Lost your virginity? [no comment]
182. Tried a weight loss program? yes i suppose
183. Jumped on a trampoline? yes i <3 them
184. Visited another country? yes many
185. Colored in a coloring book(and had fun)? yes sir
186. Had a bubble bath? ? yes
187. Been on a plane? yes
188. Been on a boat? yes
189. Been on a train? yes and they suck for traveling
190. Been in a car accident? yes
191. Ridden an elephant? yes
192. Made a web page? yes lol
193. Played with barbies? yes
194. Stayed up all night? um im a college student, so yes
195. Shoved stuff under your bed to make your room look clean? isn’t that the only way?(thanks amanda)
196. Broken a bone? not officially
197. Called a psychic or sex hotline?lol yes when i was like 13 me and my friend called a psychic to see what she’d say. she told my friend her husband was cheating on her. lololol
198. Watched jerry springer? yes he is the coolest evar
199. Gotten in trouble for talking in class? when i was in HS and middle i suppose
200. Been afraid of the dark? yes i suppose
201. Been in the hospital(not visiting)? yeah…plus i kinda work there
202. Had stitches? yes but only when i got my wisdom teeth removed
203. Dumped someone and regretted it? yes…..
204. Went out with more than one person at a time? haha no comment
205. Lied? constantly
206. Been arrested? no
207. Fallen asleep in class? bleh too often
208. Used food for something other than to eat? haha…yes (thanks amanda)
209. Met a celebrity? not really
210. Broken the law? yes but not too badly
211. Ever loved someone so much it made you cry? of course
212. Hated yourself? yeah when I was too stupid and young to realize how awesome I am (thanks amanda)
213. Been brokenhearted? yes
214. Broken someone’s heart? yes
215. Wanted to kill someone? yes
216. Fell off a chair?: yes, last week was the last time. i am still not sure how this happened
217. Lap danced? lol no
218. Been in a fist fight? lol yes
219. Been in a cat fight? lol maybe

~~~~~~do you~~~~~~

220. Like to give hugs? yes i <3 them
221. Like to walk in the rain? no i hate it
222. Sleep with or without clothes on? without
223. Prefer black or blue pens? either but i have mostly black cuz i have to use them when i chart
224. Dress up on halloween? not lately but i totally would
225. Have a job? yah, webmistress and sexy future naughty nurse
223. How many people have you had sex with? [no comment]
226. Like to travel? yes, but not with my family
227. Like someone? do they know? yeah and yeah
228. Sleep on your side, tummy or back? tummy or sides
229. Think you’re attractive? freaking hot
230. Want to marry? yes
231. Have a goldfish? yes several
232. Ever have the falling dream? nah I’m more of a being chased kind of dreamer (thanks amanda)
233. Have stuffed animals? yes…they are mostly all in a bag in storage though except bijou ham ham lololol
234. Go on vacation? yeah cuz my parents make me

*~*~other~*~*

235. Do you believe in the horoscopes: no
236. Do you like your handwriting: i dont really pay attention to it
237. If you could be anybody, who would you be and why: yeah I am just fine being me but i’d also like to be johnny depps wife plz
238. What superhero would you be?like…a hot one that can be invisible
239.Do you have any piercings: 7
240. Any tattoos: one
241. If so where: right wrist
242. If not, where and what do you want: n/a
243. Are you picky: yes sometimes
244. What makes you cry: too many things
245. What makes you mad: stupid people (thanks amanda)
246. What do you think of eminem: no please
247. Who do you admire: my mom…a few others (thanks amanda)
248. Do you like cartoons: yah yah athf, south park, family guy, etc
249. Do you believe in the devil: yes
250. What is the one place you have to visit before you die: johnny depps pants
251.What did you do today: I went to piercing experience to get new plugs cuz i lost one of mine and i ate mexican food with lily and steven and sam and nick to celebrate lily passing biochem
252. Where do you work: my parents wallet
253. Do you even have a job you lazy bum: no
254. Are your ‘rents lame: yes
255. Do you own a miniskirt: nope
256. Do you floss: yeah when i remember
257. What is the farthest your have traveled: i dunno france, spain?
258. Who is a diva: wtf?
259. What kind of shampoo do you use: herbal essences cuz i am feeling cheap lately
260. What about conditioner: redken heavy cream mostly
261. Do you use big words to sound smart: all encompassingly
262. When you get mad, do you swear a lot: no
263. Got milk: not in my boobs or anything
264. Do you have a magic 8 ball: no and they are not magic plz
265. Name something that comes in threes: some lipsmackers packs
266. Ever worn black nail polish: yes
267. Do you have hairy arms: no
268. How many sheets are on your bed: one
269. Whats under your bed: like some drawers i dont use but should
270. Do you have your own tv and vcr: no
271. Do you believe in fate: no?
272. Do you see dead people: not really.
273. Are you a good speller: awesome (thanks amanda)
274. What is your lucky charm: i dont think i have one
275. Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway:i choose to not answer this one
276. Do you like little kids?: not really
277. Are you talented: oh yes
278. If so, how: [no comment]
279. Ever hugged a tree: yes but only when being retarded
280. Do you watch the weather channel while getting ready in your hotel room on vacation: sometimes
281. Do you ever steal anything from hotels: pens and stuff sometimes. that is all
282. Ever seen a ghost: no
283. How about an alien: only in a ufo
284. Do you beleive in either of them: aliens, yes.

what do you think about
285. Abortion: abortion is homicide/mean
286. Bill clinton: ew
287. Smoking: ew
288. Eating disorders: bad?
289. Rap: ew
290. Jerry springer: funny
291. Suicide: mostly bad i guess
292. South park: wonderful
293. Summer: only when it isnt too hot
294. Tattoos: hot
295. Peircing: hot
296. Make-up: not a massive fan
297. Drinking: [no comment]
298. Guys: why is it so hard to find one I like?(thanks amanda)
299. Girls: why is it so hard to find one I like?(thanks amanda)
300. Jennifer:
301. Leah:
302. Megan:
303. Brandon:
304. Christina:
305. Angela:
306. Courtney:
307. Jeff:
308. Mike:
309. Nikki:
310. Ryan:
311. Lauren:
312. Derek:
313. Lisa:
314. Kristi:
315. Matt:
316. Holly:
317. Jackie:
318. Cait:
319. Caroline:
320. Joseph:
321. Sebb: wtf?
322. Patrick:
323. Erin:

*~*~your friends~*~*

333. Friends: what about them?(thanks amanda)
334. Best friend: jacob kolb
335. Spend most time with: physically either Even or Steven currently
336. Best house: um this is hard but the only friend i have with a house sort of is Even so i guess his
337. Funniest: I have several
338. Smartest: Steven Scott or Jacob Kolb
339. Hottest: Victor although I dont suppose he is really my friend since I dont know him too well, Steven Scott, Sam Yi, Sam Yi’s brother, Lily, Amanda Berjeski, Lauren Sangrey…so many hotties
340. Strongest: i dont know
341. Most athletic: I dont know
342. Knows you the best: Chris Hoium
343. Most outgoing: Me
344. Most shy: I dont know
345. Always negative: i dont know
346. Which one let the dogs out: omg (thanks amanda)
347. Most trustworthy: i dont know
348. Most fun to be with: rickie and shellina
349. Biggest flirt: i dotn know
350. Best dressed: i like the way steven and even and shellina dress
351. Best eyes: steven although one is deformed
352. Most depressed: i dunno
353. One to gossip with: i dunno
354. Sweetest: sam yi
355. Who has the best room: i dunno
356. Who follows you: uh…everyone…duh (thanks amanda)
357. Who do you follow: no one (thanks amanda)
358. Who do you pretend to like but cant stand: lol cannot say
359. Do you make friends easily: yes
360. Are you intimidated by any of your friends: not really
361. If u were stranded on a desert island then who, out of your friends, would u want to be there with u: Hm…I dont know.
362.Who do u think would help u the most if u were in trouble: Sam helps me alot, Steven helps me a lot, not sure
363. Who do u think would risk their life to save yours: nobody
364. Who is the most popular: shellina.
365. Who is the most unpopular: me
366.Who do u want to go to college with: nobody i want to graduate plz
367. Who do u wish could be part of your family: sam yi
368. Who is the biggest junk food junkie:i do to know
369. Who would do anything for 1 million bucks: me maybe
370. Who do u think has the nicest siblings: i dont know
371. Who do u think has the nicest mom: steven’s mom is nice, i love jamie’s mom, i love josh sower’s mom
372. Who do u think has the nicest dad: i am not sure
373. Who do you have the most inside jokes with: steven probably

*~*~which way would you spell it~*~*
[emily inserts that this is retarded]
374. Megan or meghan: Megan
375. Lacey or lacy: Lacey
376. Steven or stephen: Steven
377. Kurt or curt: Curt
378. Caryn or karen: Karen
379. Mark or marc: Mark
380. Brandi or brandy: Brandy
381. Eric or erik: Eric
382. Corrine or carine: neither…that name sucks (thanks amanda)
383. Kari or carrie: Carrie
384. Jackie or jackqui: Jackie
385. Deseray or desirae: ugly name plz
386. Jayde or jade: Jade
387. Amy or aimee: Amy but i have a cousin spelled the other way
388. Bradi or brady: Brady but yuck
389. Chelsea or chelsey: Chelsea
390. Katelyn or kaitlyn: Katelyn
391. Ashley or ashleigh: Ashley
392. Geoffrey or jeffrey: Jeffrey but hate this name too
393. Their or there: There
394. Two, too, or to: too
395. Here or hear: Hear

&&&&this or that&&&&

396. Pierced nose or tongue? neither please
397. Be serious or funny? different times for both…totally love humor but serious times are a must sometimes
398. Single or taken? single
399. Simple or complicated? simple but complicated is ok sometimes when im up for it
400. Law or anarchy? law
401. Mtv or vh1? neither
402. 7th haven or dawson’s creek? ew neither
403. Sugar or salt? sugar
404. Silver or gold? Silver
405. Tongue or belly button ring? neither, both are sooo overdone plz
406. Chocolate or flowers? flowers, i love them
407. Angels or miracles? both?
408. Color or black-and-white photos? both
409. Sunrise or sunset? oh man…now bright eyes is stuck in my head
410. M&m’s or skittles? skittles
411. Rap or rock? rock i suppose
412. Stay up late or sleep in? Stay up late then sleep in
413. Tv or radio? tv
414. Hot or cold? hot mostly
415. Tall members of the opposite sex or short? taller…which is hard to find
416. Sun or moon? moon
417. What time is it? 4:48am
418. Diamond or ruby? diamond
419. Left or right? right
420. 10 acquaintances or 1 bestfriend? 1 best friend
421. Vanilla or chocolate? chocolate
422. Kids or not? not
423. Cat or dog? cat
424. Half empty or half full? doesnt matter
425. Mustard or ketchup? mustard
426. Newspaper or magazine? magazine
427. Spring or fall? i love both
428. Give or receive? give give give give give (thanks amanda)
429. Rain or snow? snow
430. Lace or satin? satin
431. A year of hot sex or a lifetime of friendship? Lifetime of friendship but man thats a hard one
432. Happy or sad? happy
433. Corduroy or plaid? um depends plz
434. Wonder or amazement? amazement
435. Sneakers or sandals? flipflops but i like both plz
436. Mcdonalds or burger king? GROSS PLZ but salads are ok
437. Blondes or brunettes? Brunettes
438. Mexican or italian food? mmm both but prolly mexican
439. Lights on or off? depends on what i am doing
440. Duct tape or scotch tape? duct
441. Candy or soda? soda
442. A house in the woods or the city? dont care
443. Pepsi or coke? coke
444. Nike or adidas? adidas

<333*~*~love life~*~* <333

445. Do you have a crush: sure
446. Whats his or her name: not telling
447. How old are they: not telling
448. How long have you liked him or her: well i have a few so like different times plz
449. If you could kiss anyone in the world, who would it be: Johnny Depp
450. If you could date anyone in the world, who would it be: Johnny Depp.
451. What is the biggest turn off: lying or drama (thanks amanda)
452. What is the biggest turn on: haha stomach hair
453. Do you prefer being the dumper or the dumpee: dumpee
454. Do you think there is a person for everyone: maybe
455. If yes, do you know who yours is: no
456. Where is the best place to be kissed: mouth? haha
457. Where is the most romantic place to take a date: i am not sure
458. Do you believe in love at first sight: maybe in certain forms. real true love no….but like admirational love, sure
459. Have you ever been in love: yes
460. What do you think love is: man, im so not sitting here and defining this…ask me if you want to know. I could write you a book on it if you want
470. Do you have a b/f? no
471. Do you want one: sure if i found someone who wanted me and they were awesome etc
472. How long have you been together: n/a
473. What do you like about your crush or b/f: different things
474. When was your first kiss: like when i was 15 or 16

<3* 4 girls only!!*<3

475. What do you look for in a guy? intelligence.
476. Tough or hardcore guys? erm
477. Sweet or innocent guy? sweet over innocent i suppose
478. Smart or athletic guys? smart
488. Favorite cologne on a guy? that kind jamie wears
489. Best gift a guy could give? his honesty (thanks amanda), devotion to teh emily
490. Flowers. . . Sweet or wasteful? i love flowers
491. Sweetest guy you know?hm….sam is always terribly sweet, so is chris and rickie and cj and a few others

****4 guys only ****

492. What do you look for in a girl?
493. Describe your dream girl:
494. Long hair or short hair on a girl?
495. Straight or curly hair on a girl?
496. Best gift a girl could give?
497. Favorite perfume on a girl?
498. Would you go out with an older girl?
499. Girls with long or short nails?
500. Sweetest girl you know?

~*~*~past~*~*~

501. First grade teacher’s name: Ms. Crabtree. I still keep in touch with her.
502. Last word you said: "bye" to danielle on the phone
503. Last song you sang: I’d Rather Dance by Kings of Convenience
504. Last meal you ate: a wrap from subway
505. Favorite childhood cartoon: i dunno, i liked a lot of them
506. What did you hate most about school: requirements and restrictions…drama (thanks amanda)
507. Last person you flipped off: steven scott
508. Last song stuck in your head: hell yes by beck (thanks, Even.)
509. What line/verse: from the song? um "Hell Yes"
510. Last time you were burned: i burned my neck and i still have a mark like two months ago
511. How: curling iron
512. Last time you bled: my ear today by forcing my plug into it.
513. Favorite game show as a child: Price is Right, Lets Make A Deal, Double Dare, Family Feud

*~*~present~*~*

514. What’s in your cd player: lol who uses cds
515. What color socks are you wearing: none
516. What’s under your bed: same as last time
517. What’s the weather like: dark and warm
518. What is on your wall ? my harry potter calendar and some pictures
519. What time did you wake up today: 2pm
520. Did you think it was earlier, later, or on time: i dunno

*~*~future~*~*

521. Who do you want to marry: someone who will never ever lie to me or mistreat me…duh (thanks amanda)
522. Are you going to college: yes, southern adventist university which sucks
523. If so, how long do you want to go: until i graduate next summer
524. Where do you want to go: not sure yet
525. What is your career going to be: mental health nurse…and i want to write and do humor too
526. Where are you going to live: not sure yet
257. How many kids do you want: 0, unless im like 30 something and my husband really wants some
528. Kids names girls:…
529. Kids names boys:….
530. Where do you want your honeymoon: anywhere with him
531. What kind of car will you have: a volkswagen.
532. What kind of house will you have: a neat one
533. Do you like this survey? It has given me something to do while wasting my life away sick and waiting for work
534. Is this one of the best surveys you’ve ever taken? not…just longest (thanks amanda)
535. How about the most unique? whatever (thanks amanda)
536. Have you gotten most of these questions on another survey? yeah
537. Do you like to answer questions? yes
538. Are you getting annoyed with this survey? yup
539. If you are, are you gonna delete questions off of the bottom cuz ur bored? nah…I’m bored enough to do them!(thanks amanda)
540. Whats your favorite kind of tree? the pretty flowery ones that the blossoms dont smell like semen
541. When you look at a person with lime green tights on, whats the first thing that comes to your head? pixyland.org

:::whats the first thing that comes to your head when you hear/see:::

542. A laptop: i am not sure
543. A mismatched person: me
544. A guy with long hair: hippie ewwwwwwwww
545. A guy with spiked hair: i dont know
546. A girl with spiked hair : dykes
547. A tree with no leaves : uh oh winter is coming
548. A couch with a sheet over it : ?
549. Ronnie: a fat kid
550. Raphael: NINJA TURTLES!! (thanks amanda)
551. A guy wearing a necklace: ew mostly
552. A girl wearing a hat: this is getting annoying (thanks amanda)
553. A mall: hate them
556. Abercrombie and fitch: I don’t think about it.
557. Aeropostale: ew
558. Hot topic: shellina
559. Pacific sun: ew
560. Saved by the bell: mario lopez lolol
561. Boy meets world: lol cute show
562. Beverly Hills 90201: nothing
563. A stereo system: small penised men
564. A gun: hicks
565. Someone shout out “i’m eating peanuts!!!”: what the fuck are you telling me for? at least you’re getting protein (thanks amanda)
566. Someone shout out “i have to pee!!”: tmi
567. Someone shout out “whats the answer?!”: 42
568. A desk: sit
569. A teacher: ms higgens
570. A doctor: stop acting like god you fag
571. What do you think of the questions they make you answer at the doctors office?: well im usually the one asking questions like that so yeah
572. Do you like the number 10? sure
573. What about 5? sure
581. Do you have to pay bills? no
582. Do you want to pay bills? no
583. How do you think your parents feel when they have to pay bills? fine?
584. Do you do your own laundry? yes kinda have to
585. Do you clean all the bathrooms in your house? no, it just stays filthy
586. How many bathrooms are in your house? 1
587. How many tv’s are in your house? 0
588. How many phones are in your house? like 2…cell and room
591. How many couches are in your house? 0
592. What are you thinking about right now? not wanting to go to work
593. How many desks are in your math class?:no math
594. Do you get a lot of math homework? no math
595. Do you hang out with your friends a lot? yah
597. Have you seen clueless? yes
598. What are your opinions of that movie? tis ok
602. If you had to pick a religion to be, what would you be? I wouldn’t.
604. What is your favorite store in the mall nearest you? starbucks or bi-lo
605. How long does it take to get to the mall nearest you? 10 minutes
606. What is the mall called? Hamilton Place Mall
608. How about a major sports store?: Sure?
609. Is there a pet shop? yes with bunnies you can pet!!
610. Whats your all time favorite font? the one i use on my website prolly
611. What do you like better, lap tops or computers? lap tops
612. Spaghetti or ziti? ziti, i dont eat spaghetti
613. Macaroni w/cheese or w/sauce? cheese
614. Paintings or photos? both
615. Stripes or solids? either
616. Basements or attics? basements
617. Looks or personality? personality
618. Life or no life? life
619. Individual or just like everyone else? individual
620. Loud or quiet? loud
621. Shy or rambunctious? happy medium plz
622. Refrigerator or freezer? either?
623. Carpet or tile? either?
624. Marble or wood? marble
625. Plaid or stripes? plaid
626. Stripes or dots? stripes
627. Dots or lines? dots
628. Now what time is it? 5:24 am
629. Monopoly or life? Monopoly. i dont play life
634. You’ve got mail or ever after? neither ew
636. Bsb or n*sync? neither
637. Dawn or sunny? sunny
638. Light or dark? dark
639. Top or bottom? top
640. Higher or lower? higher
641. Left or right? right
642. Big or small? big
643. Dad or mom? mom
644. Sitcoms or movies? movies
645. Tv movies or real movies? real movies
646. Scanner or xerox machines? xerox machines
647. Church or mass? church, im not a catholic
648. Boat or canoe? boat but i dont really like either
649. Ocean or lake? ocean
656. Do you have more younger friends or older friends? older
657. How many guys have you kissed? i think 18
658. Is this one of the longest surveys you’ve taken? yes
659. Is it the longest? yes
660. Is it interesting? Not really
661. Would you ever like someone 3 years younger than you? no
662. When you like someone, do you tell them right away? yeah
663. Do you wait for signs? yeah sometimes
664. Whats your favorite letter of the alphabet? e
665. Do you think that z is a cool letter? I don’t think any letters are cool.
667. So, do you have any final words? this was worse than i originally thought

So me and Steven went to Piercing Experience today. He wanted to buy some plugs and I wanted someone to look at my ears. For those of you who know me in person, you’ve heard me whine about how they (mostly my left ear) still hurt after 2 months, and you internet friends have seen pictures of problems Ive had with them. Well, he takes a look at my ears and asks where my O rings are. O rings are the little rubber rings that hold plugs on. I always lose mine and just wear them without it, so I explained this. He asked if I found both of them. I tell him I did find one but not the other. He says he just found it. Yeah, he looks at my ear and the O ring is stuck in my ear hole along with the plug being in there normally. YEAH THATS RIGHT, MY EAR HAS BEEN SORE FOR WEEKS CUZ MY O RING IS ALSO INSIDE MY EAR. I dont know how I managed this. Steven laughed at me a whole lot.

being bored and seeing how far a qtip will go into your nose is a BAD idea.

remember the painy story from a week or two ago about my new ear piercing becoming embedded? yeah, same story this morning, cept the other ear. had to do the whole soaking thing, blood, yeah, ow. and that ear was doing SO well.

TOTAL THOUGHT DUMPAGE–WARNING 

I went to bed at a decent time last night. I set my alarm for 6am, as I had a nursing final today at 8 and wanted to study and get the best grade possible. I was awoken to a loud fire alarm at 3:45 am. I thought "what a terribly gay time for a practice drill!". I am not good at getting up so it took me a minute to get up and find clothes in my messy room. My room mate left before I did, so I made sure I picked up my room key incase we were still separated when we came back, and happened to pick up my cell phone which was sitting beside my key. As I was leaving my room, I realized I really had to pee. I nearly turned around to go real quick, since you always have all the time in the world with fire drills, but I smelled the faintest scent of smoke and decided to just wait. You see, sunday the alarm had gone off too, and somebody stupid had burned food in the kitchen in my hall and I was ticked off, so today I figured someone was up late studying for a final and burned their popcorn or something. So, angrily, I started walking down the hall, with a few other people because I had taken so long to get dressed.

As I got towards the lobby I heard shrill screaming. Horrible screaming, and pounding. I was like omg, why are people being so annoying this late at night? I continued walking out the double doors. When I got outside I approached a girl who was crying. I realized even thought it was 3:45 am and dark that her blonde hair and fair skinned face was black. Her teeth were black. Her lips were black, everything was black on her body and she was screaming "I cant find my room mate, she cant get out help help I cant find her" I then realized it was an actual fire. Smoke was billowing out of the top of the dorm. Within a few minutes there were massive red flames reaching terribly high. It was horrible. They took us all to the cafeteria. They did massive roll calls. They told us everyone was accounted for but several people were going to be taken to the hospital for smoke inhalation. I knew two of these people, but only knew that I knew one of them. I saw Jen…she was hyperventilating, and her blonde hair was also black and her face was totally smeared with black and there was ashes in her hair.

We sat around for a long time. Rumors were going around–someone had caught a couch on fire by accident on the 3rd floor in the west wing and people had been trapped. A couch was set on fire, but I dont know how, and people had been trapped inside. We were all shaken up and upset of course but sat around waiting to find out what was happening, how bad the fire was, etc. Then all of the sudden the president of our school , Dr. Bietz comes up front. Everyone is asked to be quiet, but there is still quiet chatter around the room. Dr. Bietz starts talking. "We have lost a life to smoke inhalation….."and he is crying. The room fell completely silent. Nobody spoke, moved, thought, nothing. Only Dr. Bietz. He was crying an crying as he explained how a girl had been trapped inside and they couldnt get to her and she had died. They didnt tell us her name. Her boyfriend was there though and so we all found out quickly who it was.

I thought everybody was ok. They did numerous role calls and said everyone was accounted for which we all took to mean basically ok. Then I found out who it was. Her name was Kelly Weimer.  She was THE sweetest, nicest girl ever. She was one of the only people who smiled and spoke to me each time we saw each other. My school set up a little forum to talk about her and this is what I posted:

"While I was not extremely close friends with Kelly, I will always remember the first time we met. I was sitting alone in health for life class my freshman year, since I did not know anybody or have any friends at southern yet. She approached me with a huge smile on her face and asked if I wanted a friend to sit with. From then on out we sat together and talked daily throughout the semester, and I enjoyed her friendship immensely.

Kelly was one of those people that you cant miss in a group of people; she was beautiful, bright, friendly and always had a smile for everyone.

May she always be remembered as the wonderful person who never had a frown on her face. "
 

It hasnt really hit me totally yet. I havent cried. I guess I am just in a state of shock still. Ive not really ever known someone my age who has died, except once. I had a friend my sophomore year of HS who killed himself. I’d known him since I was like 5, but I hadnt seen him in like 2 years. I saw Kelly every single day. Sometimes more than once a day. AND SHE ALWAYS WAS SO NICE.

Im just so traumatized….the screaming I heard and the pounding…that could have been her. She was stuck in her room. I got out and I heard her screaming. I got out and sat there and whined about it being cold while she died. The girls with the blackened faces and hair…I dont know. It was the same floor my sister was on, it could have been her. The girl who died’s room was 2 stories directly above my good friend Kristal’s room. The floors collapsed and stuff…I mean Krystal could have been killed even.

Im sitting here and I just keep hearing those screams over and over. They were so shrill and the pounding….I cant stop hearing them repeating in my head. I smell like smoke and I feel sick. 

Also, I took pictures of the damage so that you can see how awful it was. It was on national tv and stuff even…Here is a news article about the fire. Like, every news team has been here. They interviewed my sister. I didnt go outside, I didnt want to be asked to talk on tv and cry because I looked like crap seeing as to how I havent had any sleep. I suck. sort of.

Also many thanks to everyone who heard about it and has called me for support and to make sure I am ok, especially Jonah and Jamie and Lauren and especially Rickie. Rickie, if you are reading this, your call meant so much to me like you dont even know. It almost made me cry. The fact that you thought of me and called meant more to me than anything. It made my day/week/month/year. You are the greatest, I owe you big time. Seriously, I dont even know how to express my gratitude. Jonah too, I am so glad to have friends who care. Thank you guys so much.

I dont even know where I am going to stay tonight. They havent told us yet if we can stay in our rooms that werent damaged yet. They let us briefly go in and get some stuff and get out. I grabbed my computer and some books and some clothes and personal hygiene items and got out of there. I dont see how we could stay there anyways, the smell of toxic like fumes was too strong. Like when you burn plastic or foam or something…it was so strong me and kristal have a headache and my throat hurts. So yeah, I dont know where I am going to stay.

I am in seriously so much pain

 the worst thing evar happened

I cant write about it right now cuz I have to go to nursing lab but MAN am I hurting.