this and that

I had a good time watching batman begins with Rickie and Shellina until I found myself wildly attracted to Batman. We got in for free. I enjoyed it a whole lot.

Black people, male and female, love me. They seriously do. I dont get it. Also, I dont think they would like me as much if they saw my website or blog.

man batman is hot 

The black african american who checked me out at a gas station today was named Lubaba.

LUBABA??

Its so horrible 

http://www.myspace.com/brad666

people should not act like retards at Best Buy infront of their camcorders with tapes in them plz

  
I really havent laughed this hard in a long time. Seriously.

fark readers will appreciate this so muchly

  
WoW players will appreciate this muchly

 
this made me laugh too much also. man, do i love racial humor.

click on the picture to view the rest! 

While your mouth may enjoy feeling fresh and minty after eating real peppermint stick candy with the powder on it, it is a bad idea to not wash your hands and then put contacts in, as your eyes do not enjoy being minty fresh.

Jfk made a point in the comments on the gross picture I included. He didnt know that the inside of your elbow was called your antecubital. So for people who havent read the post yet, that is what I am talking about. I was scared someone would thinks it is some strange body part.

and while we’re at it, the insides of your knees arent "knee pits", they are popliteals. There is a neat name for every dent or crease in your body.

You know that little dent thing kind of where your thumb and hand meet your wrist that you get if you put your hand the right way? That has a name.

LADIES AND GENTLEMENS! I PRESENT YOUR ANATOMICAL SNUFF BOX (which marks the locations of your scaphoid bone):

This has been an insightful and informative health lesson from your friendly nursing pal Emily, and this message was also brought to you by the letters F, U, and P L Z. Also the number 3.

You know how like Ive made posts of finding strange things in my buttcrack?

I just found a penny 

These are all Mitch Hedberg quotes, so Im not going to put quotes on each one. These are just some of my favorites. I seriously miss him. I seriously am still upset about his death. Im really upset.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin ’round and round. I can’t do a back flip, much less several … simultaneously with two other guys… that look exactly like me.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, You’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re fucking relentless.

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in shit. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "You got cheeseburgers?" "Nope … we got spaghetti! … and blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown. He attracts too many children."

Burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef.

I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine: with grill marks."

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

They won’t let you have drinks back there. I like a Jack & Coke. One time, I saw a Jack & Coke and it had a lime floating in it, and I thought "That’s good to know." Next time I’m on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime… I’ll be water skiing without a life jacket and people will be like "What the hell?" and I’ll pull out a lime. I’ll pull out a lemon too, saved by the buoyancy of citrus!

I went to a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don’t think the waitress heard me ’cause she asked how I’d like my eggs. So I tried answering her anyways. "INCUBATED! Then hatched, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun. Damn, it’s gonna take a while. I don’t have the time. Scrambled!"

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey: man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. I used to draw you. (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one fucked-up turkey. You’d be like, "That turkey’s been in an accident."

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut - I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? "Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s back home in the file… under ‘D’, for doughnut."

It’s weird.. people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom’s gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let’s print up some flyers!"

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I wrote a letter to my dad — I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really". But I still wanted to use it, I didn’t want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely… drive steamboats, Dad — there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator."

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there’s any other way to take it in. You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too … I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You’d have to run like a motherfucker.

I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me ‘cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "excuse me" he said "get the hell out of my way," so I said "Go to hell," and I ran away. He caught up to me, he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eybrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3-earings. He said "Hey man, you have a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey man, you have a lot of… cranium accessories."

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, it’s not the weather that is trippy, perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy…" then I thought, man, I should have just said, ‘yeah’.

I was walking by a drycleaner at 3 a.m. and there was a sign that said "Sorry, we’re closed". You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m. and you’re a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 a.m. and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."

I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said "This is not a library". so I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then!" My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. Come on four billion! Fuck, seven! Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six. At least.

..and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

I rent a lot of cars, you know, ’cause I go on the road. I rent cars and when I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I drive, like, for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the "emergency brake." It’s really not an "emergency brake", it’s an "emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever."

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit’s under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I’m like, "Come on, man, you know the deal. Fall in! You crazy-ass tartar…" I got so much tartar, I don’t have to dip my fish sticks in shit!…That’s actually kinda gross….

I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool… except me, ’cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, "Here — you throw this away."

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I prop my feet up here? I need to go to the bathroom. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? You need to take a right. Man, you really like Tide …"

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly …

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. [haha i always do the same thing so i took mitch’s advice. i still lost it, but i am more careful now and learned my lesson. thanks mitch.]

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them to, you know, I’m like, "Hey, hold on fellas, lemme hold one of yous… and feed you a leaf."

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I’m hungry,"………….. so it died.

As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So, if I’m at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How’d I get up here, Goddamnit!? I guess I have to slide down. WEEEEE!!!!" That’s what you say when you’re having fun — you refer to yourself and some other people.

I’ve had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn’t matter what you’ve been doing. So I don’t get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS?" "No." "Cool, cause you know me."

I had a coldsore, and I put carmex on it cuz carmex is supposed to heal coldsores. I dunno if it does , but it will make them shiny and more noticeable…

I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut ‘em up."

I got an ant farm. Them fellas don’t grow shit. Besides, if I ripped your legs and arms off, you would look like snowmen.

There’s a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it says "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I’m gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Is a Hippopotamus a Hippopotamus? Or just a really cool Opotamus?

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that’s extra scary to me, because there’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He’s fuzzy. Get outta here.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience … We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like ‘an extreme longing for cake’. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he’s on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don’t bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smell like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

I went to see a heavy metal band in New York…called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer got on the monitor, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human, I do not feel like a tree."

In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackey the Frog. It’s just like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think it’s a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought ‘man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog …’ You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It’s always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to. And I’m pretty sure I’d have to punch some holes in the lid, because he’s damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won’t be doing much in his 16-ounce world.

I like to talk about the differences between bears and frogs. Like if there’s a frog around I don’t have to hang my fucking sandwiches from a branch, he knows they are for me. He’d rather have a fly, cause a fly zig-zags while my sandwich does not… unless I go like this [waves hand around]… If I want some honey on some toast I don’t have to squeeze a plastic frog.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus" … one of those two doesn’t sound right.

I was in a bar, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I used to play in a Death Metal band. People either loved us or they hated us…or they just thought we were "okay". Most Death Metal bands have dark names like "Obituary"…"Mortuary"…"Rigor Mortis". We weren’t that intense. We just went with "Injured". And later we changed it to "A Capella" as we were walkin’ out of the "Pawn Shop."

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don’t do it though. One day I’m gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That’s ridiculous, but it’s true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I’ll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? …Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?

You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That’s fuckin bullshit man…cuz that thing would knock you on your ass.

I didnt go to college. But if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, becuase the customer is always right.

Mitch Hedberg was the greatest comedian of all time.

i sure want the guy who played data now.

data then:

 
awww how cute

data now:

 
report to my pants plz

oh and then i just discovered sean lennon and he can report to my pants as well:

also random mitch hedberg line that amuses me:

"I’m not into sports, I mean, I like Gatorade, but that’s about as far as it goes. By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I’m thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "no"? "

I miss you Mitch.  

That Dylan kid in the post below….my mom told me a funny story about how she is reporting him to get a psychiatric evaluation.

Apparently in his little class at church they were doing a little project thing where they were given a question and they had to answer it on a paper. The question was "If you could meet the President, what 3 things would you want to ask him, or do with him?". Dylan answers: 1. Throw him a gun and then we’d have a shoot out, 2. I’d throw a bomb at him, and 3. I’d take three garbage cans and dump all the trash on his head.

That stupid little liberal. Its funny anyways though that a little kid actually said that at church. Also kinda sad though. His parents do all kinds of drugs and basically neglect him so his grandmother takes care of him mostly. Then they found out that his "dad" isnt even his dad. Apparently Dylan found out by accident after they found out and he’s pretty pissed off.

Oh, and when searching for pictures of Corey Feldman, I found this picture. It made me laugh. Especially since they have Chunk labeled as "Gordo". lololol.  Stupid foreigners. 

oh and also here is something gross for you to see which is my right antecubital area:

There is a child at my church who looks like Corey Feldman. I have thought this for years, but just thought to take a picture of him recently when I was home. Observe, please.

Corey Feldman: 

and now Dylan:

He seriously does look like him. And if you dont agree with me, you are wrong.

because i sure put a hole in it

the hole is bigger than it seems. I stuck my finger in it…but i didnt take a picture of that. I also messed up my hubcap as you can kinda see.

i suck

"P.Halsman: Dalí, why do you wear a mustache?
Dalí: In order to pass unobserved."

There’s nothing I could say
To make you try to feel ok
And nothing you could do
To stop me feeling the way I do
And if the chance should happen
That I never see you again
Just remember that I’ll always love you

You always were the one
To make us stand out in a crowd
Though every once upon a while
Your head was in the cloud
There’s nothing you could never do
To ever let me down
And remember that I’ll always love you

A Minor Incident by Badly Drawn Boy 

sorry about all the lyrics lately

i just cant motivate myself to type

or do anything else for that matter

kthnxbye

My mom told me to smile, but since I am not a huge fan of children, this was all I could muster:

It was the ships "r rated comedian" night. His name was something like Gene Morula? or something. First of all, he was introduced as being a comedian who had performed with CARROT TOP. This is not something I would tell ANYONE. As soon as the person introduced him I wanted to get up and leave, but then I remembered I had nothing else to do.

He was the worst comedian ever, and Im serious. Of course all the drunk retards laughed their heads off at him, but I could have seriously done better just walking up front without a routine. 

He did like every stereotypical standup joke too…I couldnt believe it. I mean the only thing he left out would have been "i just flew in from miami….boy are my arms tired".

I seriously wanted to go up to him after the show and just tell him how much he sucked.

He was just this horny old dude who kept talking about non funny sexual things. Like, he basically got up front and was like "man Im horny tonight" and kept making stupid innuendos and talking about underaged girls. I wished I had something to throw at him. He was awful, I hate him, I wish I could injure him plz.

Lately I’ve been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing mattered
All would be clear then
But I guess I’ll have to settle for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
‘Cause that’s all that you’ll get so you’ll have to accept
You are here then you’re gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together and
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I’m coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there is still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you’ve ever seen was just a mirror
And you’ve spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover
And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, She disappeared
You can’t remember where she said she was going to
But you know that she’s gone ’cause she left you a song
That you don’t want to sing
We’re singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
And left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I’m coming to my final failure
I’ve killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness

A Perfect Sonnet by Bright Eyes